I will of course, start with the obvious disclaimer that I am a gradate of the University of Notre Dame.
Today, I am not very proud of that fact.
The University plans to allow a staging of The Vagina Monologues on March 24th.
This is not the first time the university has allowed this play to be staged on campus; in fact, whether or not the University stages the play has become something of an annual event, a kind of liberal Catholic Kabuki Passion Play in which the administrators wring their hands, talk a great deal about how open minded they must be and how intellectually stimulating such material is, before reaching for the water basin and washing their hands of the matter. "What is truth?" they mutter, and hope that the crowd simply goes away.
"What is truth?"
It is thoroughly predictable, but this year I am not content to simply let the matter pass.
I have a question for Father Jenkins. It is about the timing of the play.
If the play is being staged on March 24th-26th, this means that there will be some setup involved beforehand.
Tell me Father, where there be rehearsals for the play during Holy Week?
Will there be a dress rehearsal on Easter Sunday itself?
Will Notre Dame faculty, students, or staff be asked to work on or assist on the production of this work of profound vulgarity on the holiest day in the Church calendar? Instead of hearing the words "The tomb is empty," the words that give the entire world hope, will we instead be treated to the recitation of all the slang words for the vagina?
Tell me, Father Jenkins, will these words be recited on Notre Dame on Easter Sunday?
(I assume this is a faithful transcript. I apologize in advance if it is not -- and I apologize even more profoundly if it is)
VAGINA. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU SAY THE WORD, IT NEVER SOUNDS LIKE A WORD YOU WANT TO SAY. IT'S A COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS, TOTALLY UNSEXY WORD. IF YOU USE IT DURING SEX, TRYING TO BE POLITICALLY CORRECT YOU KILL THE ACT RIGHT THERE. I'M WORRIED WHAT WE CALL IT AND DON'T CALL IT. IN GREAT NECK, NEW YORK, THEY CALL IT A "PUSSYCAT". A WOMAN TOLD ME THERE, HER MOTHER USED TO TELL HER, "DON'T WEAR PANTIES, DEAR, UNDERNEATH YOUR PAJAMAS, YOU NEED TO AIR OUT YOUR PUSSYCAT." IN WESTCHESTER, THEY CALL IT A "POOKIE". IN NEW JERSEY, A "TWAT". THERE'S "POWDER BOX", A "POOCHI", A "POOPI", A "PEE-PEE", A "POOPALU", A "POONINANA" AND A "PICHE". THERE'S "TOADIE", "DEE-DEE", "NISHI", "DIGNITY", "COOCHIE SNORCHER", "COOTER", "LABBE", "GLADYS SIEGELMAN", "VA", "WEE-WEE", "WHORESPOT", "NAPPY DUGOUT", "MONGO", "MONKEY BOX", "PAJAMA", "FANNYBOO", "MUSHMELLOW", "GHOULIE", "POSSIBLE", "TAMALE", "TOTTITA", "CONNIE", A "MIMI" IN MIAMI, A "SPLIT KNISH" IN PHILADELPHIA. AND A "SCHMENDE" IN THE BRONX. I AM WORRIED ABOUT VAGINAS.
Father Jenkins assures us that there will be a balanced dicussion afterwards:
"My decision on this matter,” Father Jenkins said, “arises from a conviction that it is an indispensable part of the mission of a Catholic university to provide a forum in which multiple viewpoints are debated in reasoned and respectful exchange--always in dialogue with faith and the Catholic tradition--even around highly controversial topics. Notre Dame's policy on controversial events rests on the conviction that truth will emerge from reasoned consideration of issues in dialogue with faith, and that we will educate Catholic leaders not by insulating our students from controversial views, but by engaging these views energetically, in light of Catholic teachings.”Father Jenkins referenced a common policy he and the university’s department heads had agreed upon. The policy says that part of the purpose of a university is “to foster the free and open discussion of controversial issues.” It states that all involved in a controversial event must ensure it has academic merit, multiple viewpoints, appropriate balance, and a reasoned and respectful exchange of ideas. Event sponsors must make clear that their sponsorship is not an endorsement, and if the event is relevant to a significant issue of Catholic teaching, a knowledgeable presentation of Catholic teaching must be included in the event.
Father Jenkins's position certainly seems reasonable enough -- until you read the script.
What possible good comes from putting a balanced panel discussing Catholic views on the same stage as this pornographic litany? Catholic theology is a complex, thoughtful and highly rational worldview with a pedigree that is two thousand years old, and at the center of which every Catholic believes are truths revealed by God Himself. It forms the foundation of Western civilization, and the yardstick against which all political systems, religions, and creeds are to be measured.
Perhaps you will allow me a metaphor.
Imagine we are at, say, something like the Paris Exhibition.
Imagine, if you will, that we are seated in a crowd, and a man in a white coat, who we are told is a reputable French scientist, gets on the stage. The scientist tells us, "We are going to watch a performance in which a circus clown defecates into a bucket -- and afterwards, we will bring the historical platinum meter bar out from its vault in Sevres to measure it."
Would we assume the scientist was sane? We might assume the clown is -- he is, after, all, a clown. He dresses in motley, goes where he is told, and does what pleases the crowd. But what would we make of the scientist? Would we assume that there would be great scientific benefits to humanity to be gained from a detailed analysis of the clown's effluence? Would we not, after a moment's consideration, opt to pass on the whole sordid display? And if we were to denounce the whole episode, for whom would our harshest judgment be reserved -- the clown or the scientist?
So tell me, after we have considered the merits of the "split knish" and the "wee-wee", Father Jenkins, are we to bring out Fr. McBrien and have a serious discussion of the merits of Humanae Vitae? I myself would like to see it; I for one would like to see which document Fr. McBrien prizes more -- the Vatican encyclical or the Eve Ensler play.
"We choose Barabbas!"
Admittedly, though, my tastes are bit perverse.
I think that in this case, Father Jenkins, you ought to simply say "We need to reschedule the play to a time more appropriate."
And if they press you and ask when that is, Father, the correct reply is "After my funeral Mass."
Stand with Bishop D'Arcy, Father Jenkins. A few professors might quit. To which the proper response is "If you do not support Catholic doctrine, then I trust you to show yourself out."
Is that really so difficult? Is it really so difficult to simply stand with the Church, and let the heathen rage? I think that might be a better reflection for the entire Notre Dame community during Easter week than arguing over this work of unmitigated profanity.
And by the way, when you send me your thoughtful letter about the University Fund this year, be sure to look for my reply. It will come, special delivery.
Keep your eye out for the clown carrying a bucket.